Insomnia Is My Co-Pilot

INSOMNIA: Hey. You awake?
ME: No.
INSOMNIA: You just answered me so technically you’re awake.
ME: Shhh. I’m trying to sleep.
INSOMNIA: Sleep is boring. Same deal every night.
ME: La la la, I can’t hear you.
INSOMNIA: Do you mind if I read?
ME: (silently ignoring)
INSOMNIA: Can I borrow your phone?…So I can use the flashlight instead of your lamp?
(I hurl phone laying on side table at him.)
INSOMNIA: What’s your password?
ME: Oh my god. Give it to me.
(I put in password, hand back to Insomnia.)
INSOMNIA: Don’t you trust me?
ME: What?
INSOMNIA: With your password.
ME: Dude. I’m trying to sleep! Besides, you know my fucking password.
INSOMNIA: Is it the name of that childhood cat you hated?
ME: I didn’t hate Jangles.
INSOMNIA: Didn’t you hate him a little bit that time he jumped across the couch and landed on your head and his toenail got lodged in your eye.
ME: No. But I do wonder if that hadn’t have happened if I’d have to wear glasses.
INSOMNIA: Astigmatism isn’t caused by injury.
ME: Is that true?
INSOMNIA: Honestly, I don’t know. I’m just trying to ease your mind.
ME: That’s rich.
INSOMNIA: I find that insulting. You really want me to go? Leave you alone with your thoughts?
ME: This is getting confusing.
INSOMNIA: Listen, what in life can we really be sure is true anyway? Except math. Which we have, at best, a high school level understanding of thanks to that surfer TA who tutored you in summer school.
ME: He was cute.
INSOMNIA: “Glenn.”
ME: You know, I think Jangles might have hated me a little bit.
INSOMNIA: Nah, he probably just sensed your fear.
ME: I have always felt more of an affinity with dogs.
INSOMNIA: They tend to be more prone to camaraderie.
ME: I like interaction, a tribe.
INSOMNIA: For some reason that made me think of bagels.
ME: Oh my god, me too. Should we get up? Get a snack? I’ve never done that before. In the middle of the night. I usually just lay alone in the darkness and ask myself impenetrable questions, ponder my choices, and make vows to myself that I forget by the light of day.
ME: Ya know?
INSOMNIA: Shhh. Go to sleep.
ME: I don’t know if I can.
INSOMNIA: Trust me on this. Close the peepers.
ME: Now I’m thinking about Jangles again. Maybe I didn’t give him a full chance. Maybe I went into that relationship with preconceived ideas.
INSOMNIA: If Jangles was still alive he’d forgive you. Or wouldn’t care. People and their feelings were like seventh on his list of priorities.
ME: You’re probably right.
(Beat of silence.)
ME: Maybe I’ll make a donation to a cat rescue tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: There you go. Now clear your mind and let yourself drift off.
ME: I’ll try. If I can’t, can we talk some more?
INSOMNIA: Don’t you worry about that. I’m always here. Just a flick of consciousness away.
ME: I’m going to count some sheep.
INSOMNIA: Or you could try cats.
ME: Pass me my phone. I’m going to read for a bit.

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Tags: astigmatism, bagels, cats, flashlights, guys named Glenn, Insomnia, sleep, surfers

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