“WHOLE FOODS”

(read in PDF/script format here!)

INT. WHOLE FOODS – VITAMIN/SUPPLEMENTS AISLE – DAY

ZELDA, OUR TWENTY-SOMETHING HERO, IS SCANNING THE SHELVES, WALKING AT A SLOW BUT STEADY PACE DOWN THE AISLE. JEREMY, A MID-FORTIES, PARTIALLY BALD, SLIGHTLY OVER-WEIGHT WHOLE FOODS EMPLOYEE, APPROACHES.

JEREMY

Need help finding something?

ZELDA

(HESITANT)

Um… sure.  I’m looking for Lysine.

JEREMY

Absolutely.

JEREMY LEADS HER A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE AISLE.

JEREMY (cont’d)

You have your pick of brand.  How many milligrams?

ZELDA

Five hundred?

HE PICKS TWO BOTTLES OFF THE SHELVES, TWO DIFFERENT BRANDS, AND HANDS THEM TO HER.

JEREMY

Yeah, that’s average.  Have you taken it before?

ZELDA

I’ve dabbled.

JEREMY

Arginine imbalance?

ZELDA

(NOT SURE WHAT THAT IS)

Maybe?

JEREMY

(NOT LOWERING HIS VOICE)

AKA trying to keep cold sores away?

ZELDA TURNS AWAY FROM CUSTOMER TRAFFIC.

ZELDA

(HUSHED, HOPING HE’LL FOLLOW SUIT)

Yes.

JEREMY

You eat a lot of nuts?

ZELDA

Well, it’s not so much that–

JEREMY

Sometimes you don’t realize how many nuts you’re eating.  Nuts are in everything.

ZELDA

I suppose it could be a nut issue.

JEREMY

You get enough sleep?

ZELDA

No.

JEREMY

You stressed about anything?

ZELDA

Yes.

JEREMY

Romantic difficulties?

ZELDA

In general, yes.  At the moment, no.

JEREMY

Stressed about work?  Creative expression?  Meaning of life?

ZELDA

Who among us in the supplements aisle at Whole Foods isn’t?

JEREMY

Listen, you came to the right guy.  I suffered from cold sores myself for years.  Herpes Simplex 1.  The oral kind.

ZELDA

Yes, that’s what I’ve got.

JEREMY

But I got it on my penis.

ZELDA

(TRYING TO COMPREHEND NEW TURN CONVERSATION IS TAKING)

Oh.

JEREMY

My sister has it, too.  Not on her penis, obviously. But we can commiserate with each other.

ZELDA

I have a sister… But she doesn’t have it.

JEREMY

It’s nice when you can share things with a sibling, you know?

ZELDA

It is.  We can’t share this but we can share purses, and records, and a similar sense of humor…

JEREMY

That’s nice.

ANOTHER CUSTOMER APPROACHES.

CUSTOMER

Can you tell me where the Black Cohosh is?

JEREMY

I can, but I’m helping someone right now.

CUSTOMER

Can you just point to the general area?

JEREMY

In a moment.

CUSTOMER MOVES OFF, ANNOYED.

ZELDA IS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE EXTENDED ATTENTION.

ZELDA

You can help him.  I’m good.  I’ll just pick one of these.

JEREMY

Ah, you’re a caretaker.  Another possible reason for the outbreaks. (THEN) But, if you’re sure.

ZELDA

I am.  Thanks for your help.

JEREMY

You’re very welcome.  Good luck.  And lay off the nuts!

ZELDA COMPARES THE TWO BOTTLES SHE’S HOLDING AND RETURNS ONE TO THE SHELF. SHE CATCHES HER REFLECTION IN A NEARBY MIRROR AND SURREPTITIOUSLY INSPECTS HER FACE TO MAKE SURE SHE DOESN’T SEE ANYTHING SHE DOESN’T WANT TO, AS WE:

CUT TO: