The Job Interview

Hey good lookin’,

Remember that book of comedic monologues for teen girls that I told you about? And how two pieces that I wrote are included in it?  Well… here’s part deux!


What? You expected a longer prologue? You thinking to yourself, that’s awfully uncharacteristic of her. She’s usually rather chatty. Well, if you must know I just finished watching Tropic Thunder on cable and all I can think about is that someone needs to give Tom Cruise a comedic role again because he was so damn funny and so on it and he’s wasting his life on his saving the world epics. Tom, we need you to save our funny bones, not send us on a space ship to a crater heretofore unknown by the U.S. Government. (That was a plot of his, right? If not, Tom, I will totally write that for you!)

Alright, I’ve got more pointless pining to do for what could be but alas I might never know. And you, you’ve got a comedic monologue for teen girls to read.




Character name: Gemma Banks

Age range: 15-18

Setting: Florescent-lit makeshift office space in back room of ice cream shop. Gemma sits on a folding chair in front of a messy desk across from her interviewer…


Well, first off I just want to thank you again. I’m sure you must have a lot of qualified candidates lined up to interview for the job and I appreciate that you saw something promising enough in my resume for you to meet with me.
As for what qualifies me for the position?
The most obvious thing is that I love ice cream. I mean, not obvious because I’m fat, I’m obviously of a normal weight…not that there would be anything wrong with it if I had a few extra pounds on me. I think society puts too much pressure on us to be perfect-slash-unnaturally skinny. I mean for all you know I purge!
I don’t purge.
And I don’t binge.
I would not sneak ice cream if you hired me to work here. You can ask anyone on my reference list, I am super honest. Too honest they might say. Shut up, they might also say, you never know when to stop talking!
I’ve gotten off track.
I love ice cream, in a completely normal way that non-lactose intolerant people love ice cream.
Speaking of which do you have any lactose free products? I know lots of people who would like that. My nana especially. I mean she lives in New Hampshire, but if she were ever to visit I would love for her to be able to come witness me behind the counter at work and be able to offer her a treat.
But that probably isn’t too important since she rarely travels and when we do see her, which isn’t often because my mom and her kind of fight a lot, we go to her.
Anyway, what other things should you know about me?
I am punctual. That was also the name of a quote-unquote punk band I was in for three weeks last summer – Punktual. Get it?
I’m not an anarchist, by the way, just because I was in a punk band. It was only three weeks. I played tambourine.
What else…
I love people. Love them. I am overly nice. More than one person has urged me to grow a backbone and say no every once in awhile.
Speaking of saying no, I definitely say no to drugs…I have gotten a contact high a couple of times without realizing it when hanging out in my older brother’s bedroom while some friends of his were smoking, but that doesn’t count, right? I tell you what though, ice cream tasted really good on those days.
You know what? I’m going to stop now and let you do the talking.
Anything else you want to ask me?

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Tags: Comedic Monologues For Teen Girls That Are Actually Funny, contact high, craters, funny bones, honesty, ice cream, job interviews, lactose intolerance, nanas, punk bands, teen girls, Tom Cruise, Tropic Thunder

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