A little after midnight last night, as I was winding things down to head off to sleep — turning off the TV and lights, letting the dogs out one last time, readying the coffee maker for morning — I suddenly spotted, parked in a crevice next to the stove top, a foot and a half away from the coffee grinder, a way too big, way too grey, rather gluttonous-looking spider.
I backed away in a panic. My survival instincts kicked into high gear causing me to start bouncing around like I was stepping on hot coals. This high stepping gave me a better view as I took occasional peeks at him from the self-imposed six foot swath of space I kept between us.
“Why does it keep being there?” I asked aloud to no one in particular and all of humanity at once.
In a convoluted attempt to allow calm to re-enter the equation, I let myself consider that it might be dead not just doing that “if I stay still you can’t see me” move spiders are famous for, not realizing they don’t have the gift of camouflage like their cohorts the chameleon. But in my heart of hearts I knew this robust guy was alive, well, and had nothing but time and cunning on his side. He could wait me out. After all, his graveyard shift was just beginning.
My dogs seemed to sense my fear and promptly hightailed it into the bedroom. Good boys! I called them back in and to their credit they stayed by my side as I hemmed and hawed about what to do. I wasn’t about to kill it. Nobody wanted that. But it seemed too big, unwieldy, and crafty to capture under a cup with only ye ol’ magazine subscription insert to cover it. I wasn’t about to get involved in that game, mister. So I did the only thing I could do. The only logical choice. I bid it a good night, walked down the hall, shut my bedroom door, and hoped it would stay in its quarters, leaving me to mine.
Before I fell off to sleep I tweeted him a message:
Dear gigantous spider in kitchen,
There’s a full moon tonight.Ushould totally go outside & check it out.
Your considerate roommate,
I’m pretty sure he didn’t see it.
Since then we’ve developed a blooming relationship. Throughout the day we’ve had various encounters and I’ve gleaned more about the spider than I, and I can only imagine most humans, have ever known. I originally compiled these exchanges and sent them out as tweets but now provide them for you in list form. I dare say the call of the wild will never seem the same.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF SPIDER aka CASE STUDY #822347
Came home to find spider chatting on landline & giving me the “one sec, wrapping this up” gesture w/one of his 8 legs. So, it’s working out.
Spider wants to know if I’ll give him a ride to yoga.
Spider watching me pull cookie out of cabinet and giving me that “you really want to eat that?” look.
Spider called bookie and placed a bet on Sunday’s game.
Spider wanting to know where we keep our liquor.
Spider considering presidential bid. Putting out feelers. Setting himself apart from pack with platform promoting progressive use of webbing.
Spider asking if there are any magazines in the bathroom.
Spider wants the Wifi password.
Spider hoping to borrow a belt.
Spider thinks flower vase seems stuck up.
Spider telling coffee grinder to shake it don’t break it.
Spider assumes that when people use the word “arachnid” they’re just blowing smoke up his ass.
Spider out of smokes.
Spider can’t believe I don’t know how to access HBO On Demand.
Spider thinks the dragons on Game of Thrones are phoning it in.
Spider buys organic when available but isn’t uptight about it.
Spider says his given name is Guillermo but I can call him Guy.
Spider sent a writing packet to @ConanOBrien but never heard back.
Spider doesn’t get why God made snails.
Spider performed a lip-synched version of Sammy Davis Jr’s “Candyman” in his 4th grade talent show. Came in third.
Spider lent Lindsay Buckingham some money back in the 90s.
Spider thinks I look pretty when I sleep.
So as you can see the humanoid and its night crawling counterpart can co-exist quite well together. I’ll leave you with this one last sample of our interaction. This evening we had another opportunity for learning. I accidentally walked in on Guy in the shower. He gave me one of those “Do you mind?” looks and scurried off into a corner under the bath mat. I don’t know what he was so upset about. He looked good. Fit. His grey hairs made him look distinguished. Oh well. I’m bound to have an opportunity to make it up to him. He’ll surely pop up somewhere.