Take Your Pick Advice

(Originally posted on The Nervous Breakdown.)

It’s pretty simple, really.

You know and I know there’s only a handful of possible ways to deal with any given issue we find ourselves vexed by.

Oh sure, we try to get creative, stay open-minded, think outside the box. But where does that get us?

I’ll tell you where. Frustrated, alone and afraid, in the midst of a seemingly endless morass of options, feeling buried in the vastness of it all.

Well, have no fear, I’ve done some calculating and found virtually any quandary can be solved with one of the following pieces of advice.

Have a look. Take your pick. You won’t be sorry.


  1. Try it.
  2. Wait a half hour.
  3. Give it your all and then let go.
  4. Well, I wouldn’t but maybe that’s just me.
  5. Deep down we all know what the right thing is.
  6. It’s possible you’re feeling this way because of something that happened during childhood, but that was then, this is now.
  7. Remember, however it turns out, good, or bad, eventually everything ends.
  8. Cremation.
  9. Lower your expectations but keep a positive attitude.
  10. Leave them wanting more.
  11. Make a U-y.
  12. Wash it. With soap.
  13. Put some honey on it.
  14. That sounds like something you might want to consult a specialist about. I’m just a friend, albeit a very compassionate and intuitive one, lending an ear.
  15. Breathe. Breathe in the air.
  16. Don’t be afraid to care.
  17. She probably didn’t mean it like that.
  18. Put yourself in his shoes.
  19. You can only control your own reactions.
  20. Save the receipt.
  21. Everyone looks good in orange.
  22. Less is more.
  23. Bigger is better.
  24. Slow and steady wins the race.
  25. Always keep a Band Aid on your person.
  26. Hold your tongue.
  27. Apply pressure.
  28. Swallow.
  29. Spit.
  30. Don’t meddle.
  31. Invest in metal.
  32. Don’t date a guy in a heavy metal band.
  33. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. (Others is that Heavy Metal band I followed the summer after high school.)
  34. Try to picture it in your mind’s eye. Fold it like a paper airplane. Send it on its way. If it nosedives into the ground it is not a metaphor for anything, you simply don’t know how to properly fly a paper airplane.
  35. Practice.
  36. Smell it.
  37. Agree to the polygraph test.
  38. Change your Twitter wallpaper.
  39. Overthink it to the point that it sickens you, drink until you forget, then look at it again in the light of day.
  40. Dance like no one’s watching.
  41. Close your blinds.
  42. Commit.
  43. Play the come line.
  44. If they don’t understand maybe they weren’t truly your friend to begin with.
  45. Don’t sleep with your friends.
  46. Don’t go to bed angry.
  47. Give it a wrest.
  48. Drink half your weight in purified salt water.
  49. Get a second opinion.
  50. Look it up.
  51. Look them straight in the eye.
  52. Don’t stop.
  53. Yes.
  54. Ask yourself what part you played in the situation.
  55. Ask yourself what part you played in The Situation.
  56. History is a reflection of the future yet to come.
  57. He’s not going to change.
  58. Change the batteries once a year, on your birthday, so you don’t forget.
  59. For rock hard glutes do standing lunges whenever you take the dogs out in the yard to do their business.
  60. Wash your hands before.
  61. Wash your hands after.
  62. Pick Chris Christie.
  63. Pick Renee Zellweger (specific to Tom Cruise re: next wife.)
  64. Pick yourself up and try again.
  65. Stretch.
  66. Relax.
  67. Rinse. Repeat.
  68. Tell the truth.
  69. Use a pseudonym.
  70. Email is completely safe if you hit delete and empty your trash.
  71. Call.
  72. Annie Hall.
  73. Don’t.
  74. Do.
  75. Learn a foreign language.
  76. Get the salsicce.
  77. Stop hitting your sister.
  78. Don’t get caught.
  79. Get down.
  80. Blowjob.
  81. Louie C.K.
  82. If she’s a witch she’ll float.
  83. Combination U.S. Postal/ice cream truck.
  84. Move to France.
  85. Stay positive.
  86. Vote your interests.
  87. Say it with conviction and people will believe you.
  88. Believe the math.
  89. Stay positive.
  90. Show up.
  91. Keep trying.
  92. Hacky Sack.
  93. When in doubt…*TBD.
  94. Be yourself.
  95. Find yourself.
  96. D.I.Y.
  97. Ask for help.
  98. Keep an open mind.
  99. Heads.
  100. Tails.
  101. Love.
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