(Originally published on The Nervous Breakdown.)
Dear Lobbyist Bowles,
I recently read about the exciting new venture your organization is embarking on and am very interested in the Social Media position you are no doubt preparing to establish. Having just graduated from the number one party school in the entire southwest, I am eager for an opportunity to get my foot in the door and begin my life in the workforce. Making that happen with a well-established movement such as yours would be a bonus. (Everyone wants some job security these days, am I right?)
Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m willing to try anything, I like to hang out in a group, am constantly on the Internet anyway, and I’m always coming up with classic one-liners. Look no further, I’m your man.
Attached please find my résumé.
As you will see, I was asked for two semesters in a row to be my fraternity’s event planner. This involved many tweets to sororities to ensure hot chicks would show up. I had to think outside the box. What do hot chicks want to hear? I’d ask myself. And then I’d tweet it.
“X marks the spot. #imtalkingaboutXtacy”
“Hotgirlz contest. All contestants drink free. #likethedoctorsaid…FreeAtLast”)
I’ve taken it upon myself to compose some sample tweets of how I imagine taking your message to the people. I’m open to direction and collaboration. My blacksmithing T.A. taught us not to be overly precious about our work.
First off, I’d like to suggest changing your name ever so slightly from The American Nazi Party to The American Nazi Partay.
You’ll also probably want to get out in front of the tired, old perception of your cause and send out a clear message. Lead the way instead of being a victim of preconceived notions and closed-minded thinking. People probably think they know you… but do they?
Below are a few sample slogans and talking points—my vision for taking the movement forward.
Let’s keep things separate.
Some people don’t like vegetables; we don’t like anyone who isn’t white.
Sometimes we eat chocolate ice cream.
When did cleansing get a bad rap?
We’re not entirely sure anymore what our beef is with the Jews, but it’s tradition.
Hoods not hoodies.
We’re not cowards.
Once you go white you never go back.
Nazi rhymes with Yahtzee.
Nazi rhymes with Potsie.
Hate and bile are fear and ignorance turned inside out.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Mein brain overfloweth with good ideas!
(I had my baseball coach look this over and he pointed out that the KKK wear hoods and robes and have wizards, not Nazis. My bad. I threw all you guys in together since ideologically you seem to be on the same page. Just another example of sweeping generalizations and over-arching prejudice…OR happy accident?! Perhaps going forward you guys can think about joining forces. TBD at our [hopefully] forthcoming interview.)
Please note: I will be out of town for most of the month of June as I’ll be following Drake on his tour of South America but since most of this type of work can be done from virtually anywhere while doing anything (I’m typing this naked while giving myself a pedicure; I didn’t have to tell you that, but I am to prove a point) it really shouldn’t impact my work.
You’re going to need someone to speak for you, it might as well be me.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Jeff “Let’s Do This” Jefferton
Find me on Twitter at @JLDTJ