Heavy Petal

Minding the thorns, I pulled the buttery smooth petal from its mother base — causing an eyesore at home but greater goods can be that way. It was finally ready to meet its destiny I told it, or thought at it. I beheld its pink poppy glory then with a slow deliberate sweep placed it […]

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Yo Te Veo

It’s hard to make out what language they’re speaking. At first glance I think they might be Italian. But as I eavesdrop further, take them in from behind my hopefully opaque-enough sunglasses, I realize I’m mistaken. None of the sounds emitted from their mouths are remotely familiar.

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Ten Items Or Fewer

“Good luck,” I said. I almost slipped her an extra one. But if she hadn’t returned it upon realizing, I would’ve been disappointed by her dishonesty. Then again, maybe if she’d won, she’d have come back and shared her spoils with me. It was all too complicated and weighted. I couldn’t hold her responsible for the moral fabric of the human race. I was glad I suppressed the urge.

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woman with bird by Pablo Picasso

Little Birds

Since you’ve been gone I notice little birds. These little birds come and go. They come, hello they go, goodbye. I have wondered if they are you. But then I tell myself if they were you they wouldn’t go, they would stay. Against all odds against nature and instinct and the cruelty of existence. So

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Horses

(Originally published on The Coachella Review.) My family and I have this ritual. Once a month, Teresa, my wife, my second one, and my kids, from the first one, make the trek from the valley to come meet me at my office in the city, and we have dinner. We treat it like it’s a

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comic headstone

No Longer Wondering

Hey look! It’s my first collaboration AND my first cartoon! I am very pleased that my dear old pal, Crispin Wood — who I knew initially as the electrifyingly awesome guitarist in the righteous rawk band from Boston, The Bags, and now for the cartoon work he creates for his comic strip SmallBlueYonder.com — was

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badass chick

Three Songs I Can Imagine Being Played Over The Sound System As I Walked To The Mound If I Was a Major League Baseball Relief Pitcher

Baseball. America’s pastime. Where Americans come to pass their time. Three hours worth, usually. And thus when I find myself in the midst of a stadium where the game of baseball is being played, a sport where, let’s face it, the majority of that time quite a lot of concentration needs to be employed in

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that guy from Swingers

Area Woman, Rejected By McSweeney’s,
Comes Close to Totally Reenacting That Scene from Swingers

Area woman and aspiring writer Jodi Tannenbaum, after a third attempt at getting published by the literary website McSweeney’s (in its “Lists” section), found herself “totally in the middle of that scene from Swingers.” “You know that famous scene,” she said, “where the guy, not Vince Vaughn… the other guy…he calls a girl he likes

Area Woman, Rejected By McSweeney’s,
Comes Close to Totally Reenacting That Scene from Swingers
Read More »

How I Imagine a Typical Fight Goes Between the Couple in Arcade Fire

She is engrossed in some sort of looming or woodworking that requires her to wear a bib. He, in overalls with only one strap fastened, is hammering out a poem. Stuck, he can’t find something pleasing that rhymes with “endeavor.” She suggests “forever.” He whispers something under his breath, then raises it an octave and

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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s Side of the Conversation When He Called His Mom to Ask If She’d Join Him in Florida

Hey Mom! Paul. Paul, your son. I know, bad connection sometimes on the Bluetooth. It’s a phone thing. How are you? I said, how are you. You good? Good. You are? What are you planting? Cabbage, huh. Do you eat a lot of cabbage? Yeah, it is kind of pretty. So, listen, Mom, I was

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ATTN: John Bowles/Lobbyist for American Nazi Party RE: Let me be your Social Media Wizard

Dear Lobbyist Bowles, I recently read about the exciting new venture your organization is embarking on and am very interested in the Social Media position you are no doubt preparing to establish. Having just graduated from the number one party school in the entire southwest, I am eager for an opportunity to get my foot in the

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Watching the Last Fifteen Minutes of Sarah Palin Co-Hosting “The Today Show”

On Monday, my friend Polly informed me, via Facebook wall post, that Sarah Palin would be co-hosting the Today Show the following morning. On Tuesday, I woke up feeling conflicted. I didn’t want to watch. I wanted to wish it into the cornfield. Palin is a polarizing figure, and she has polarized the very crap out of

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Ultimately Inappropriate Yet Oddly Fitting 2012 Presidential Campaign Theme Song Suggestions…

Lists. We all make them. We couldn’t verily live without them. Things we need from Rite Aid. Demands we want met before submitting to a lie detector test. Questions we don’t want to forget to ask our parole officer. Sometimes we’re a part of a list: Best Looking. Class Clown. Most Wanted. Lists make the

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Michael Steele of The Bangles vs. Michael Steele Republican Party

Michael Steele, former bass player for the eighties pop group The Bangles, released a statement this afternoon informing the world at large that due to recent and negative events in the world of politics she has made the decision to formally and legally change her name. Below is the transcript of her statement, read live to

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Just A Few Of The Lies I’ve Told That Will Prevent Me From Ever Becoming Vice President – AKA My Charlie Gibson Interview

Mr. Gibson requested that he be able to observe me in my natural habitat. Due to the relocation of my family members, and the dissolution of our family compound, this interview took place over two days at Solley’s Deli in Encino, California. A place my family and I inhabited frequently during my most formative years.

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